Airports & Airplanes: Observations of Useful Things (Or Not)

• When eating peanuts, women often place the peanuts on a napkin and proceed to consume one at a time. Men will often open the bag and invert directly into the mouth. Southerners will open the bag, pour a few into their free hand, gently shake back and forth as if cleansing, and then toss into the mouth. I can always spot a fellow grit.

• If someone in the coach section reclines their seatback into your face, well past the one or two customary clicks, then try coughing with such force that their hair actually parts. It very often works. Throw in some sniffles for additional urgency. “Oh, I think I’m gonna sneeze,” can be the clincher. If it’s a long flight, throw in a warning cough every half-hour, or so.

• If a female traveler with a carry-on bag strikes up a conversation with you in the gate area, know that she is judging your trustworthiness. Soon you may hear, “Will you watch my bag while I make a quick trip to the ladies room?” Just beware that on average a quick trip will take 16.25 minutes, so if you’re eligible to board early, you’re obliged to stay with her bag. You gotta do it. A good preemptive move would be to declare, “Yes, I’ll watch your bag,” as soon as eye contact is made. Could save you five or six minutes; could make you look like a fool, too. Whatever.

• American air carriers have an extraordinary record of safety, but it’s always worthwhile to know where the emergency exits are located. It’s also worthwhile to guess which of the passengers will be the ones pushing and crawling over others in a mad attempt to escape first. I’ve always assumed that the biggest men would be the most ruthless (and thereby the least helpful) in an emergency. And then I have to remind myself that I’m a big man.

• Remember that the most dangerous part of any trip starts when you get off the airplane and get into a car.