Thursday, August 4, 2011

America in August, 2021

The Dow closed July at 4,512, up from June’s 4,314.

The U.S debt increased to $28 trillion, or 167% of GDP, at the end of Q2, 2021. Members of the Democrat, Republican, Tea Party, and Compassion Now! political parties reached agreement on the debt increase after a contentious debate.

The U.S and Greece entered into a trade agreement; terms and estimates weren’t immediately available.

The U.S. National Health Services announced that a Six-Sigma study concluded that senior citizens over the age of 66 years, 7 months, 6 weeks, who required orthopedic surgery, would henceforth be outsourced to Cuba. The NHS organ-transplant czar stated there would be no changes in the policy of outsourcing transplant surgeries to Thailand. An airline transport-shuttle contract was awarded to Baghdad Air.

Pakistan threatened a nuclear exchange with India over a border dispute. Iran warned the U.S to avoid intervention or risk Iranian nukes against all 50 American states and Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico responded that Iran would consequently risk a “full retaliatory response launched from San Juan.” Guyana threatened to nuke Suriname over the expanding drug war. The U.S. Secretary of Defense, at a press conference on the subject of proliferation, shrugged and said, “What do you want me to do, guys?”

College football players remained on strike for the 6th consecutive week. The College Football Players Association remained adamant that 20% of all athletic revenue be allocated for football players’ salaries, estimated at $188,000 per scholarship athlete. Women athletes are expected to sue. One prominent Southeast program said its athletes are unhappy with what they assert would be a serious cut in pay. “C’mon y’all, this is America!” signs appeared on campus.

Publishing news reflects the continuing migration to E-books. Only 1,700 hardbound books were sold in the nation’s 30 remaining book stores in June.

The Army plans to debut a new pink beret by Fall. The new headwear will be optional for Special Ops personnel.

Ford announced that its new 2022 model Colossus will be rated at 66 MPG with GPS, no-charge batteries, hands-free phone and texting, anti-theft warning identification with optional fragmentation devices, and armor plating for urban driving. Car loans at the prime rate of 13.75% are available for qualifying customers.

The TSA announced that it will no longer need any mechanical screening devices. “We can simply tell by looking at ‘em,” is the new advertised slogan. The TSA workforce has been augmented by employees of the now defunct postal service.

The Rolling Stones announced a new U.S. tour, beginning in November and sponsored by Viagra.

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