Out With The Old, In With The New

I ‘m having a new deck built at my home. My son and I built the old deck 16 years ago, so it was time for a new one. I asked the contractors to prepare their bids under the assumption that I would take down the old deck, and thus they could anticipate a clean construction site when they showed up to start the project.

I was involved in building the old version, so I should be able to take it down, right? The technical term is “demo,” in case you’re wondering. I can do demo. Done if before on other projects. At this point in my life, I can do demo better than I can build anew.

Well, I just spent the past several days up to my backside in the fine art of demo. Crow bar, sledge hammer, claw hammer . . . those are the technical terms for the tools we use in demo. There were lots of boards, lots and lots of exposed nails, and once everything was on the ground, those same boards (with those same nails) had to be transported to the dumpster. The thought crossed my mind more than once that a visit to the ER would easily negate the project savings I was otherwise hoping to realize. Besides, I really didn’t want to demo a body part, vital or not.

Two spider bites, three bruises, four skin tears, and several thousand Advil tablets later, I’m happy to report that I upheld my end of the bargain. I did it. I took it down. With no ER trips, no loss of body parts.

The contractor showed up this morning, and by the end of the day the new deck was framed and boarded. They loaded their nail guns with magazines of nails, much like a rifleman. Bang, bang, bang, and soon the deck’s up. My son and I had no nail guns. We did it the old analog way.

And I took it down the old analog way. Nothing new-age about it. Leverage, pressure here and there, throw it on a pile, and walk it to the dumpster.

And a hot bath afterwards.

Kinda thinking now that any future request for bids might not include me doing the demo.

Ten Welcomed Phrases

1. He (she) is out of surgery and is doing well.

2. Thank you so much, it's exactly what I wanted.

3. Welcome to Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport.

4. I loved your book, and it keeps staying with me.

5. My fellow Americans, I am happy to report that all objectives have been met and hostilities have now ceased.

6. Hi Dad, we made it home okay.

7. The injury to (Georgia player, any player) doesn't appear to be serious.

8. Your offer has been accepted.

9. Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the national anthem.

10. Yes, of course! (Left to your own imagination)

Ten Undesirable Phrases

10. “Sorry, sir. No credit cards. Cash only.” (Restaurant cashier)

9. “Tonight we’re conducting a survey on . . . ” (Telemarketer)

8. “Due to the current high call volumes, we estimate your wait to be . . .” (Technical support)

7. “Do you know why I pulled you over?” (Highway patrolman)

6. “You’re not going to like this, but when we got in there, we found . . .” (Auto mechanic)

5. “It will pay for itself.” (Politician)

4. “And all lanes are blocked.” (Radio traffic report)

3. “This is the Captain speaking. We have a little problem, but we hope to get it corrected and be underway shortly.” (Airline pilot)

2. “The Dow Jones is in freefall.” (TV newscaster)

1. "Good grief! I haven't seen one like that before." (Physician)

The Right of Free Speech

The Supreme Court ruled on Wednesday in an important First Amendment free speech case that Albert Snyder, father of Marine Lance Corporal Matthew Snyder, was not entitled to damages for the emotional distress inflicted by protesters from the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas. The protestors had picketed the funeral of Lance Corporal Matthews, who was killed in Iraq in 2006, and as a result legal action was taken against the church by Mr. Snyder.

This particular church group pickets military funerals because they believe God is punishing soldiers who defend a country that has a "policy" of accepting homosexuals. They carry signs that read “God Hates the USA/Thank God for 9/11” and “Semper Fi Fags” and “Thank God for IEDs.”

For a church group (or anyone else) to picket the funeral of a member of the U.S. military seems inconceivable. The family members of the deceased are having the absolute worst day of their lives, and not far away someone is holding a sign that reads “Thank God for Dead Soldiers.” I have known Baptists my entire life, and never have I known one who would do something as cruel and contemptible as this. Not one. It is no surprise, then, that mainstream Baptists reject this crowd as the malodorous open sore they most certainly are.

In January 2011, Westboro announced it would picket the funeral of Christina Green, the 9-year-old victim of the Tucson shooting, who wanted only to meet Rep. Gabby Giffords. The Arizona legislature wisely passed an emergency bill to ban protests within 300 feet of a funeral service, and Tucson residents made plans to shield the funeral from protesters.

What types of people are these? What sort of leader are they following? Can they not understand the pain they are causing or the anger they are arousing? Are they not parents themselves?

I don’t know. I know only that it seems they are giving thanks to God for the deaths of those who ensure their First Amendment rights. It is both ironic and sickening. But mostly sickening.

I’m not going to start a comparison with the God they worship and mine; I’ll just mention that we have some differences there, and leave it at that. And I wouldn’t presume to know what awaits them on the other side of the mortality they seem so intent on wasting. We all have freedom of choice. None of us, however, has freedom from consequences.

The truth is, they can follow any leader they want. They can choose to believe anything they want. And they can protest and carry signs with hurtful messages as long as they obey the law.

Jerks and fools have rights, too.